Complaints On A Plate is BACK!

Now with a new improved formula!

Expect more negativity, more distain, more ego, more punctuation and spelling errors, more annoying puns and more more more.

And if you thought the reported speech was excessive last time then you will probably reach a similar conclusion this time!

Let us kick off with a look at some of this weeks cultural offerings in our brand wanking new erection section What to do, where to go and how to feel.

What to do, where to go and how to feel.

fART: A Goldsmith College response to the Nigerian massacre. Runs all month at the Tate. The Sexually Confused Pride March: West End on Saturday. Budweiser Breast Cancer Fest: All weekend on the South Bank. Rape Fantasy Night at the British Library: Sunday and Monday. National Front Disco: Somewhere in Penge. Speed Hating at The Good Mixer, Camden: Every night.

Meet Lucy Log

Sally Wagoony takes tea with a new pop sensation.

You’ve probably never heard of Lucy Log, nor her techno-trance-dance-ska-punk-mutant pop group Nautical Themed Clothing, but with new single 'I Want to Touch Certain Parts of You' about to be unleashed on Radio 1’s A list, the chances are YOU SOON WILL. I joined Lucy in the kitchen of her swanky new East London digs.

“I’m not used to this at all” she remarks whilst swinging a vodka bottle around her immaculate newly fitted open-planned chrome-a-tosed dining-kitchen-pantry. And she’s not just referring to the piles of money that line the hall way. For since moving to London five years ago Lucy has not had a place of her own, but spent her life squatting in un-occupied buildings as part of the political and artist group slash movement known as Actival.

“People think it’s all partying and drugs but we put on vegan barbecues and that for crackheads and that, and we don’t just squat, we do the buildings up as well. I like painting stars on the walls and ceilings”. The group’s activities have even come to the attention of local MP Brian Ryan Lions who said in a recent interview “We don’t approve of their tendency to hold all night drug infused orgiastic raves in residential areas, though we do approve of their low emissions policy.”

But Lucy’s ambition stretches beyond the bounds of East London. “I want to bring the whole world together - Christians, Muslims and normal people. I want to bring them all together under my music. That is what “I want to touch” is about. It’s about coming together for the environments sake, for all our sakes. I want to go on tour in Iraq and Afghanistan and Pakistan and Zimbabwe and Haiti and North Korea. I want everyone to dance and forget about their troubles.”

Unfortunately it seems that for the time being this dream is unlikely to be realised, however the band will be supporting Miley Cyrus on a tour of the US next month.
'I Want to Touch Certain Parts of You' is released next week on Time Warner in conjunction with Viacom and BAE Systems.
Peace out.

The British Inversion!

It’s 8.15am in a Warsaw Starbucks and Frank Leland is purchasing his usual Grande Americana with heated soya milk. He moved to the city six months ago to take up a job as an Assistant Producer for a Polish News Show. “Basically I advise them on presentation style.” “Say if it’s a court case, I tell them to report from outside a courthouse, if it’s a paedophile story then outside a school.” Frank is one of a number of Brits who over the past few years have flocked to Eastern Europe in search of media work. As he says, “they just don’t have the skills here, they are crying out for media graduates.”

The impressive TVP building

Frank studied Media and Performance Design Science Theory at Salford University before going on to do Media and Cultural Art History Studies Management at East London U. “I came out of that thinking I had the world at my feet.” But the only work he could find was stacking shelves at Pidl n Widl or holding up golf sale signs. “I did temping work, voluntary work, anything really to get a foot in the door.” He even stooped to paying for an internship at The Gate Post newspaper in New Cross. It cost £3000 for a month and all I ended up doing was making coffee all day”. The problem is that the UK churns out media graduates at the rate of thirty thousand a year into a job market that is quite frankly in its death throes.

Luckily a chance meeting with a friend changed it around for Frank. “A friend told me how his sister had struggled for years to get into the British Media before upping-sticks and heading out to Poland where from what I can gather she was given a top producing job for TVP - basically as she was getting off the plane. I went out there for a week just to try for an interview and have never looked back”

Though the opportunities are vast; Polish tv doesn’t pay much. Frank shares a two bedroom apartment with five other Brits. “Two of them I know from my MA course.” Like many expats Frank lives in the Mokotow area of Warsaw near the impressive new TVP building. He takes me for a walk around what is fast becoming known as Roast Beef Town. “There’s lots of British food shops opening up around here where you can get Hovis loafs, Tunnock’s Teacakes and Zoo Magazine” he tells me. Then he points proudly to a mock Tudor pub called The British Arms, “they serve pints in there!” There is even a weekly British themed clubnight downtown he tells me… YAWN

“…I could say more, but you get the general idea”

World Cup Magic

Inspired by Alan Shearer’s exposé on the renaissance of feeling currently being enjoyed in South Africa’s townships (due of course to World Cup mysticism), I decided to do my own weighty piece on how Africans in London are coping with football ecstasy.

Whilst sauntering around Shepherd Market in an alcohol drawn stupor I stumbled upon some old unpronounceable African woman from Africa ...with quite a story to tell. After fleeing some war torn nowhere land twelve years ago she arrived on these soggy shores with nothing to her name but her name. Since then she has worked hard to build up a respectable life for herself in the all welcoming town of London. Commuting in from some concrete council nightmare in an SE abyss, she works sixty hour weeks down in the bowels of the Park Lane Hilton collecting, processing and eventually disposing of large amounts of faecal matter.

I asked her what the world cup being in Africa meant to her but unfortunately she couldn’t speak a lick of English so I’ve just had to guess her answer. "I am so proud that South Africa is hosting the World Cup. Hurrah for Africa. OH AFRICA! LA LA LA sing AFRICA sing sing AFRICA! LA LA Ooooooooooooooooooh iiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh AFRICA!"

About a week later I met some other African gadgy (or whathaveyou) living it up in a detainment centre near Heathrow. Perusing his confidential files I discovered he’d been convicted of having an illegal sexuality in his native wherever and was sentenced to Present Death. Naturally skipping the country the gadge is now caught in the Kafkaesque purgatory of the UK Asylum system. However his lack of legal rep and rudimentary English suggests his chances of staying in purgatory for much longer are slim to shit. Baring this in mind I was keen to discover his thoughts on South Africa hosting the World Cup. Unfortunately though a big butch charpening omi said I wasn’t allowed to see him so I’ve just had to take a stab. "Ooooooooooooooooooooooh AFRICA LA LA WOOH IIEEEARRRH ARRRR OOOOOOOOOOH WAAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOHHHH ARRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH AFRICA!"

I also rubbed shoulders with a fourteen year old girl from Africa I met in a brothel near Wood Green. She was trafficked here from some wilderscape or whatnot at the age of nine and has since lead a steady life of imprisonment and forced Prostitution. Unfortunately her Employer said she was unable to comment at this time, however I think it’s safe to say she would almost certainly exclaim "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOOOH AFRICA AFRICA AFRICA! LA LA LA. AFRICA OOOH OOOH YEAH!" Well, this may not be exactly how she’d put it but the sentiment can’t be too askew.

Meet George Smedge

Sally Wagoony meets a new author who is literally a literary criminal mastermind.

You’ve probably never heard of George Smedge but critics are raving about his debut novel Heroes and Heroin. “Unmitigated masterpiece” said The Telegraph, “a sea-change in the life of the novel” commented True Review and “a new dawn in intellectual thought.” proclaimed The London Review of Books. It is almost certain to claim this year’s Man Booker Prize, not to mention the first novel award at the Costa Book Awards and the newly created Sketchers Shoes for Literary Merit Award. Still not impressed? Well, this nine hundred page epic is amazingly enough written entirely in iambic pentameter with a Joycean stream of consciousness style. It really is the best thing since sliced Nabokov. Now you maybe wondering why you’ve never heard of the author. Well, Smedge is not your runofthemill Upper-Middle, Oxbridge educated, occasional Journalism dabbling, West London dwelling novelist. In fact the novel’s story of a young man’s battle with drug addiction in Glasgow’s rough Possilpark area is largely autobiographical and was written while Smedge was serving time for murder!

I caught up with this astonishing character at his recently purchased Miami penthouse to find out more about the man behind the masterpiece. “It’s been a wild ride.” He says while gazing out at the mariner view from his balcony. And he ain’t kiddin’. Two years ago today Smedge was still languishing in the clink and ten years before that he had never read a book in his life… Born in Possilpark, Glasgow in 1977 to a Heroin addicted Mother and unidentified father Smedge was in many respects a typical casualty of James Callaghan’s “chunky glasses approach”. At thirteen he himself became addicted to heroin and spent the rest of his adolescence thievin’ and dealin’ until things came to a head during a badly planned house burglary. “I was somewhat of a naughty boy” he smirks, but that is to put it somewhat mildly. While looting a house in one of Glasgow’s more desirable districts Smedge was interrupted by the untimely return of the owner and her seven year old daughter. Panicked, he decided to batter them both to death with a half full kettle. “I am not entirely proud of that.” He chuckles. “It was a crime and punishment moment. I was pretty shaken up for days.”

Smedge was naturally given life in prison but unlike many of his cohorts he did not spend his fifteen and a half years idly. Taking up an English Literature class run by the prison, the then barely literate junkie-murderer soon developed an insatiable appetite for all things high minded and began devouring the classics one by one. “I did some terrible things back in the day and I felt I needed to better myself in order to pay respect to the people whose lives I’d blighted.” He then took multiple language courses including Latin and ancient Greek to get closer to his newfound heroes. “I found solace in the works of the great philosophers: Plato right through to Baudrillard. But I especially liked the ideas of Nietzsche and Heidegger.” He also picked up German, French, basic Spanish and a smattering of Russian.

With two years of detention still to go he decided to write a novel and in his final months he sent some rough drafts out to publishers. “I knew it was good, I just didn’t know quite how good.” Hoping at best for an encouraging response or two, Smedge was bombarded with letters from every publishing house in the land not to mention wheelbarrows of money and deeds to large swaths of Scotland.

Now at the age of thirty-seven he has a glittering literary career ahead of him and is about to embark on a speaking tour of the US with a promotional slot on Oprah. “I feel like Oscar Wilde. I have nothing to declare but my incredible genius.” And Hollywood is also a knockin’. “I’ve been speaking with Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio about adapting Heroes into a movie” Paramount Pictures are rumoured to be offering $7 million for the rights. “Well, I’m not at liberty to talk about the financial side of things” he says smugly “but meeting Leo was marvellous fun. We went partying in Manhattan and then again in Malibu. And the women, the women, good lord!”

Smedge is also currently working on a modern retelling of Romeo and Juliet. “It’s about two people from rivalling London gangs who fall in love. I’m calling it Cracking the Post Code.” It seems the exosphere is the limit for this major talent. Heroes and Heroin is available now from Spineless Publishing.

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The early bird gets the teratoma

A recent Sciencesque-like test has produced ALARMING results which confirm scientists long held theory that waking up early begets Cancer.

For all us unemployed lowlife scum it’s a moot point that early rising is bad for your health. However even we were SHOCKED to find out the true extent of the DANGER. In a recent experiment at Penge University LEADING scientists have found DEVASTATING results that PROVE beyond a shadow of a doubt that “determinist waking” is carcinogenic to the MAX! “Determinist Waking” (involuntary early morning rousing to you laymen) has long been proven to induce stress, psychosis and high cholesterol but until now has only been linked to Cancer in theory. Dr Gavin Mangleford - who lead the research programme - conducted a “case-control study” on seven and a half seven and a half year old girls over a course of seven and half to twenty seven and half years and found that 78% of 2.5 of those who rose four times earlier than the average late riser were more than A THOUSAND TIMES likelier to presume that they would get breast cancer in later life. The survey also found that DW was the MAJOR cause of MANY other cancers including a number of skin cancers and osteosarcoma (a type of bone cancer if you must know). “The evidence is indisputable” Said Professor Mangleford. “Scientists have long suspected it but no one wanted to investigate because big pharm knows that no drug can help this.”




Luckily enough Mangleford D.D. himself has developed an alternative medicine that fully prevents this DEVASTATINGLY DAMMING disorder. Sold on his website in conjunction with super science mystic heroes BioCare, The Wake Up Pill is a must for all those who choose the materialist lifestyle of having a job. “Of course nothing beats waking up naturally” he says “but I realise that this simply isn’t possible in our fast pace, high pressure, wacaday world.” Made from HIGHLY POTENT magic crystals only found in stock reel footage of axed ITV 2 Shows The Wake Up Pill is simple, natural and votes Green. As his website claims the pill “reduces the onset of Cancer by 72% in 3/5 of one in ten people.” Ten out of eleven customers HAVE claimed to HAVE seen dramatic improvements in their perceived likelihood of NOT getting Cancer. And as well as this simple to use tablet, Col. Mangleford also sells a range of other helpful products such as the Post Morning Pill which should be taken if one forgets to take the original pill; The Jetset Pill for when one is travelling between time zones; the My First Pill, for children; and the Weaner which is specially designed for those wishing to withdraw from the pill due to a change in waking style.

“I just hope I can do some good” said Sir Mangleford with a tear in his eye. God bless that man! You could say he’s a pill-ar of the community… …or a pillock.

Many-Minded Dylan

New Bob Dylan Collection explores the many sides to this enigmatic enigma.



Sad Dylan



Including such hits as

Blood In My Eyes
Not Dark Yet
The Snow Was Outrageous
Half Empty # 104
Gotta Cold Comin’ On
Expensive Long Distance Telephone Blues
How Dare You
and The Stone In My Shoe Blues