It’s Penge o’clock

Is Penge the new hub of Western Civilisation? Giles Lego took the trusty 176 south to see what all the hullabaloo is about.

London: a veritable salmagundi of perpetually transmogrify villages, an ever changing, evolving, transforming, transgressing arena of magic. As we have seen in recent years Islington has become the new Kensington; Shoreditch: the new Soho and now (even though it makes absolutely no sense in London) there is even a Noho! New Cross is of course the new Camden to Brockley’s Hampstead. And Catford may well prove to be the new Belgravia. But an even more exciting and upandcoming area is Penge: the little known leafy enclave of South London that’s fast becoming the desired destination for the Capital’s hip young elite. The SE20 somethings, as they are being referred to, are moneyed up, upwardly mobile, opulent, ambitious, affluent, affable and amiable, they are well-off and they have money! You can see them in Henry Holland t-shirts taking leisurely lunches at Chef’s Delight, and dining out in vintage dresses at the ubertrendy China Lilly or unwinding in the ubertrendy Pawleyne Arms. In fact the Penge Pound, as it is being referred to, is rapidly changing the face of this hitherto neglected district. Gone are the days of the sour faced taverns and dour chicken shops; now it’s all upmarket boutiques and Gastro-itis. The old Penge Working Men’s Club is now a small independent art gallery, the old youth centre is now a small independent art gallery and the old industrial estate has been reclaimed as a small independent art gallery that doubles up as a Gay Scat fetish club.

I met up with some of the new hip locals to see what exactly it is that makes Penge so amazing. Annanana Karickiszi is heiress to a Russian oil fortune and studies Media and Godknowswhat at Lewisham College, she is a fan of Sartre and hopes to one day become a poet or fashion editor. She is wealthy! “I love the area.” She says while gazing out the window of her £700 a month bedsit. “There is always somewhere new to go, something new to do. It is cool but not pretentious. There is a community. People are friendly. I feel safe” Calvin works in New Media, he emigrated from America two years ago. He is financially sound! “There is a lot of history here and it’s quirky, very British.” He owns a small studio above an Icelands. “It’s a friendly area. People say hello. I feel safe.” James works in New Media and rents a flat in a converted pub. He is solvent! “It’s fun and exciting. There’s lot’s of night life and culture. There are supermarkets but also small independent stores. I love it. People talk to each other. I feel safe” I also caught up with Gregg, a Railway Station Toilet Professional who has lived in Penge all his life. “Things are definitely changing.” He tells me. “It’s all gastro this and Starbucks that. Just give me a good old cuppa tea” he quips. The old Petrol Station opposite Gregg’s house is now the smoking area for a late night gay club called Fatigué, I ask him what he makes of the many provocatively dressed gentlemen that now reside in the area. “Well, at least they are driving out the nignogs” he quips.

Stay On Target!

Male dating guru Terry Eggcress - author of bestsellers Circulate and Mental Date Rape - gives us a few excerpts from his new dating guide Targets!




THE MAKING OF A MAN

An expensive haircut is always preferable. If you are bald or even slightly receding SHAVE IT OFF. If you are ginger or grey DYE IT. No facial hair, no nose hair, no chest hair, no pubic hair. Join a gym. Get a lean but muscular physic; it’s called “jacked”. Do not wear glasses unless you can afford designers and only wear them when in the office or reading in a café or other relaxed setting. Do not wear a hat. Do not wear anything colourful except perhaps a tie or a pair of socks and then only in a café or other relaxed setting. Do not wear sandals unless abroad and in a rural setting. Do not take off your tie before 6pm. Only wear a t-shirt and/or shorts when engaged in a sporting activity or on the beach. If you do not own the latest I-phone then do not let your target or her associates see your phone. Do not be seen cooking or cleaning. Use a tanning salon once a week but deny you use a tanning salon. When face to face with your target always consult your diary before making plans even if you know you are free. Whatever your job happens to be claim you are a stockbroker, a hedge fund manger, a private GP or a solicitor. Whatever your educational background happens to be claim to have been educated at Oxbridge, Durham or UCL only. Always claim to live alone. Claim you have visited New York, Paris, Rome and the Far East. Claim you know how to ski and claim you go regularly (to Switzerland and/or the U.S. only). Do not yawn in public. Obviously do not break wind or eruct either. Never mention ablutions in front of your target or associates. If you must say something say “excuse me for a moment”. If you do not know where the toilet is ask a member of staff in private. If you are at someone’s house try to locate the bathroom on arrival or wait for someone else to ask about it, they will eventually. Shower at least four times a day. Wear an expensive aftershave and a weak or non-scented anti-percipient. Use moisturiser. Get a manicure every eight days. Always carry chewing gum. Do not smoke in public. Do not ever be seen on public transport or in the supermarket. If your target and her associates take the train then take the bus. Hide all purchases in a suitcase. Cancel any date with your target if you feel even slightly ill. Claim something came up. IE your mother is ill or you are working on a big merger or case...

…Learn the Clarinet, Saxophone or Piano. Do not learn the guitar. Do not play in a band or orchestra. Learn French or Italian but not Russian or German. Only play Tennis or Squash against opponents you know you will beat. Get a trainer! Don’t play football or any other team sport.

…Dominate space. Sit with your legs and arms wide apart. Dominate co-workers and associates. Pat them on the back; punch them in the arm; tell them off. Intimidate staff at chain stores/cafes (they have no authority to stop you). Always pretend you are having a good time but always look serious. Quote English poetry from before 1900 and French literature from before 1927.



WHEN ON A NIGHT OUT

… Do not smile. Do not laugh at other people’s jokes. Dominate the conversation at all times. Let your target and any female associates speak but block out all male voices. Make sure you have a strong opinion on almost any topic. If the conversation veers onto a topic you no nothing about then steer it back immediately. Things you should never say 7: “I don’t know”. (It’s important to keep up with as many topics as possible. Read at least two newspapers everyday but only ever be seen carrying one: either the FT or The Daily Telegraph). If your target is decisive then go to the venue that they decide. Do not let anyone else get their way. If your target is undecided about where to go then you must decide. Do not let anyone else do so. At a restaurant tell everyone what to order except your target. At a bar buy everyone a drink based on what your target wants to drink. IE if your target wants a cocktail buy everyone a cocktail. Pay for everything always. Do not get drunk but try to get everyone else drunk. Leave with the target…

WHEN ON A DATE

…Restaurant dates are the only safe bet. Decide which restaurant you are going to (preferably expensive, trendy and new) but order what she orders. Dictate the topic of conversation but let her do the talking. Do not bring up the topics of television, music, drugs, politics, poverty or religion: these areas are mine fields. When talking about your family keep it vague but mention that your father beat you. Say your mother is/was beautiful. Say you are/were close to her. If you are pushed to divulge your religion and your target is atheist then say you are atheist. If your target is anything else say you were born Christian (but not Catholic) and that you are now Agnostic. Agree with your target no more than 50% of the time. If across the room you see someone you know, try to lure them into a friendly greeting by giving them a big smile and a wave. Then when they approach dismiss them with a polite but obviously curt response. Make sure your target only sees the latter part of this exchange. Do not eat anything messy in front of your target. Also do not eat eggs, garlic, beans or any meal that does not contain meat. Share the dessert. Tip generously but complain afterwards that the service was poor…

…If you have a nice apartment (SEE chapter 4) then take your target back. Do not accept no for an answer. If you don’t have a nice apartment then go back to hers. Do not accept no for an answer. Pay for the taxi…

THE COURTING PROCESS

…Make sure you meet all the target's family and friends, this will put pressure on her to stay with you. Meanwhile keep an eye out for potential new targets...

…If you get a target pregnant have IT destroyed…

…Slowly begin undermining your target in private. Make her feel insecure about her looks, weight and intelligence. Then begin to undermine her in public. Eventually she will become miserable and pathetic; and you will have no emotional qualms about leaving her. When you have found a new target introduce her to your old target and talk up how beautiful and successful your old target is. Then privately make fun of her in front of your new target. Dump your old target and move on…