Meet Lucy Log

Sally Wagoony takes tea with a new pop sensation.

You’ve probably never heard of Lucy Log, nor her techno-trance-dance-ska-punk-mutant pop group Nautical Themed Clothing, but with new single 'I Want to Touch Certain Parts of You' about to be unleashed on Radio 1’s A list, the chances are YOU SOON WILL. I joined Lucy in the kitchen of her swanky new East London digs.

“I’m not used to this at all” she remarks whilst swinging a vodka bottle around her immaculate newly fitted open-planned chrome-a-tosed dining-kitchen-pantry. And she’s not just referring to the piles of money that line the hall way. For since moving to London five years ago Lucy has not had a place of her own, but spent her life squatting in un-occupied buildings as part of the political and artist group slash movement known as Actival.

“People think it’s all partying and drugs but we put on vegan barbecues and that for crackheads and that, and we don’t just squat, we do the buildings up as well. I like painting stars on the walls and ceilings”. The group’s activities have even come to the attention of local MP Brian Ryan Lions who said in a recent interview “We don’t approve of their tendency to hold all night drug infused orgiastic raves in residential areas, though we do approve of their low emissions policy.”

But Lucy’s ambition stretches beyond the bounds of East London. “I want to bring the whole world together - Christians, Muslims and normal people. I want to bring them all together under my music. That is what “I want to touch” is about. It’s about coming together for the environments sake, for all our sakes. I want to go on tour in Iraq and Afghanistan and Pakistan and Zimbabwe and Haiti and North Korea. I want everyone to dance and forget about their troubles.”

Unfortunately it seems that for the time being this dream is unlikely to be realised, however the band will be supporting Miley Cyrus on a tour of the US next month.
'I Want to Touch Certain Parts of You' is released next week on Time Warner in conjunction with Viacom and BAE Systems.
Peace out.

The British Inversion!

It’s 8.15am in a Warsaw Starbucks and Frank Leland is purchasing his usual Grande Americana with heated soya milk. He moved to the city six months ago to take up a job as an Assistant Producer for a Polish News Show. “Basically I advise them on presentation style.” “Say if it’s a court case, I tell them to report from outside a courthouse, if it’s a paedophile story then outside a school.” Frank is one of a number of Brits who over the past few years have flocked to Eastern Europe in search of media work. As he says, “they just don’t have the skills here, they are crying out for media graduates.”

The impressive TVP building

Frank studied Media and Performance Design Science Theory at Salford University before going on to do Media and Cultural Art History Studies Management at East London U. “I came out of that thinking I had the world at my feet.” But the only work he could find was stacking shelves at Pidl n Widl or holding up golf sale signs. “I did temping work, voluntary work, anything really to get a foot in the door.” He even stooped to paying for an internship at The Gate Post newspaper in New Cross. It cost £3000 for a month and all I ended up doing was making coffee all day”. The problem is that the UK churns out media graduates at the rate of thirty thousand a year into a job market that is quite frankly in its death throes.

Luckily a chance meeting with a friend changed it around for Frank. “A friend told me how his sister had struggled for years to get into the British Media before upping-sticks and heading out to Poland where from what I can gather she was given a top producing job for TVP - basically as she was getting off the plane. I went out there for a week just to try for an interview and have never looked back”

Though the opportunities are vast; Polish tv doesn’t pay much. Frank shares a two bedroom apartment with five other Brits. “Two of them I know from my MA course.” Like many expats Frank lives in the Mokotow area of Warsaw near the impressive new TVP building. He takes me for a walk around what is fast becoming known as Roast Beef Town. “There’s lots of British food shops opening up around here where you can get Hovis loafs, Tunnock’s Teacakes and Zoo Magazine” he tells me. Then he points proudly to a mock Tudor pub called The British Arms, “they serve pints in there!” There is even a weekly British themed clubnight downtown he tells me… YAWN

“…I could say more, but you get the general idea”

World Cup Magic

Inspired by Alan Shearer’s exposé on the renaissance of feeling currently being enjoyed in South Africa’s townships (due of course to World Cup mysticism), I decided to do my own weighty piece on how Africans in London are coping with football ecstasy.

Whilst sauntering around Shepherd Market in an alcohol drawn stupor I stumbled upon some old unpronounceable African woman from Africa ...with quite a story to tell. After fleeing some war torn nowhere land twelve years ago she arrived on these soggy shores with nothing to her name but her name. Since then she has worked hard to build up a respectable life for herself in the all welcoming town of London. Commuting in from some concrete council nightmare in an SE abyss, she works sixty hour weeks down in the bowels of the Park Lane Hilton collecting, processing and eventually disposing of large amounts of faecal matter.

I asked her what the world cup being in Africa meant to her but unfortunately she couldn’t speak a lick of English so I’ve just had to guess her answer. "I am so proud that South Africa is hosting the World Cup. Hurrah for Africa. OH AFRICA! LA LA LA sing AFRICA sing sing AFRICA! LA LA Ooooooooooooooooooh iiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh AFRICA!"

About a week later I met some other African gadgy (or whathaveyou) living it up in a detainment centre near Heathrow. Perusing his confidential files I discovered he’d been convicted of having an illegal sexuality in his native wherever and was sentenced to Present Death. Naturally skipping the country the gadge is now caught in the Kafkaesque purgatory of the UK Asylum system. However his lack of legal rep and rudimentary English suggests his chances of staying in purgatory for much longer are slim to shit. Baring this in mind I was keen to discover his thoughts on South Africa hosting the World Cup. Unfortunately though a big butch charpening omi said I wasn’t allowed to see him so I’ve just had to take a stab. "Ooooooooooooooooooooooh AFRICA LA LA WOOH IIEEEARRRH ARRRR OOOOOOOOOOH WAAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOHHHH ARRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH AFRICA!"

I also rubbed shoulders with a fourteen year old girl from Africa I met in a brothel near Wood Green. She was trafficked here from some wilderscape or whatnot at the age of nine and has since lead a steady life of imprisonment and forced Prostitution. Unfortunately her Employer said she was unable to comment at this time, however I think it’s safe to say she would almost certainly exclaim "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOOOH AFRICA AFRICA AFRICA! LA LA LA. AFRICA OOOH OOOH YEAH!" Well, this may not be exactly how she’d put it but the sentiment can’t be too askew.

Meet George Smedge

Sally Wagoony meets a new author who is literally a literary criminal mastermind.

You’ve probably never heard of George Smedge but critics are raving about his debut novel Heroes and Heroin. “Unmitigated masterpiece” said The Telegraph, “a sea-change in the life of the novel” commented True Review and “a new dawn in intellectual thought.” proclaimed The London Review of Books. It is almost certain to claim this year’s Man Booker Prize, not to mention the first novel award at the Costa Book Awards and the newly created Sketchers Shoes for Literary Merit Award. Still not impressed? Well, this nine hundred page epic is amazingly enough written entirely in iambic pentameter with a Joycean stream of consciousness style. It really is the best thing since sliced Nabokov. Now you maybe wondering why you’ve never heard of the author. Well, Smedge is not your runofthemill Upper-Middle, Oxbridge educated, occasional Journalism dabbling, West London dwelling novelist. In fact the novel’s story of a young man’s battle with drug addiction in Glasgow’s rough Possilpark area is largely autobiographical and was written while Smedge was serving time for murder!

I caught up with this astonishing character at his recently purchased Miami penthouse to find out more about the man behind the masterpiece. “It’s been a wild ride.” He says while gazing out at the mariner view from his balcony. And he ain’t kiddin’. Two years ago today Smedge was still languishing in the clink and ten years before that he had never read a book in his life… Born in Possilpark, Glasgow in 1977 to a Heroin addicted Mother and unidentified father Smedge was in many respects a typical casualty of James Callaghan’s “chunky glasses approach”. At thirteen he himself became addicted to heroin and spent the rest of his adolescence thievin’ and dealin’ until things came to a head during a badly planned house burglary. “I was somewhat of a naughty boy” he smirks, but that is to put it somewhat mildly. While looting a house in one of Glasgow’s more desirable districts Smedge was interrupted by the untimely return of the owner and her seven year old daughter. Panicked, he decided to batter them both to death with a half full kettle. “I am not entirely proud of that.” He chuckles. “It was a crime and punishment moment. I was pretty shaken up for days.”

Smedge was naturally given life in prison but unlike many of his cohorts he did not spend his fifteen and a half years idly. Taking up an English Literature class run by the prison, the then barely literate junkie-murderer soon developed an insatiable appetite for all things high minded and began devouring the classics one by one. “I did some terrible things back in the day and I felt I needed to better myself in order to pay respect to the people whose lives I’d blighted.” He then took multiple language courses including Latin and ancient Greek to get closer to his newfound heroes. “I found solace in the works of the great philosophers: Plato right through to Baudrillard. But I especially liked the ideas of Nietzsche and Heidegger.” He also picked up German, French, basic Spanish and a smattering of Russian.

With two years of detention still to go he decided to write a novel and in his final months he sent some rough drafts out to publishers. “I knew it was good, I just didn’t know quite how good.” Hoping at best for an encouraging response or two, Smedge was bombarded with letters from every publishing house in the land not to mention wheelbarrows of money and deeds to large swaths of Scotland.

Now at the age of thirty-seven he has a glittering literary career ahead of him and is about to embark on a speaking tour of the US with a promotional slot on Oprah. “I feel like Oscar Wilde. I have nothing to declare but my incredible genius.” And Hollywood is also a knockin’. “I’ve been speaking with Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio about adapting Heroes into a movie” Paramount Pictures are rumoured to be offering $7 million for the rights. “Well, I’m not at liberty to talk about the financial side of things” he says smugly “but meeting Leo was marvellous fun. We went partying in Manhattan and then again in Malibu. And the women, the women, good lord!”

Smedge is also currently working on a modern retelling of Romeo and Juliet. “It’s about two people from rivalling London gangs who fall in love. I’m calling it Cracking the Post Code.” It seems the exosphere is the limit for this major talent. Heroes and Heroin is available now from Spineless Publishing.

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The early bird gets the teratoma

A recent Sciencesque-like test has produced ALARMING results which confirm scientists long held theory that waking up early begets Cancer.

For all us unemployed lowlife scum it’s a moot point that early rising is bad for your health. However even we were SHOCKED to find out the true extent of the DANGER. In a recent experiment at Penge University LEADING scientists have found DEVASTATING results that PROVE beyond a shadow of a doubt that “determinist waking” is carcinogenic to the MAX! “Determinist Waking” (involuntary early morning rousing to you laymen) has long been proven to induce stress, psychosis and high cholesterol but until now has only been linked to Cancer in theory. Dr Gavin Mangleford - who lead the research programme - conducted a “case-control study” on seven and a half seven and a half year old girls over a course of seven and half to twenty seven and half years and found that 78% of 2.5 of those who rose four times earlier than the average late riser were more than A THOUSAND TIMES likelier to presume that they would get breast cancer in later life. The survey also found that DW was the MAJOR cause of MANY other cancers including a number of skin cancers and osteosarcoma (a type of bone cancer if you must know). “The evidence is indisputable” Said Professor Mangleford. “Scientists have long suspected it but no one wanted to investigate because big pharm knows that no drug can help this.”




Luckily enough Mangleford D.D. himself has developed an alternative medicine that fully prevents this DEVASTATINGLY DAMMING disorder. Sold on his website in conjunction with super science mystic heroes BioCare, The Wake Up Pill is a must for all those who choose the materialist lifestyle of having a job. “Of course nothing beats waking up naturally” he says “but I realise that this simply isn’t possible in our fast pace, high pressure, wacaday world.” Made from HIGHLY POTENT magic crystals only found in stock reel footage of axed ITV 2 Shows The Wake Up Pill is simple, natural and votes Green. As his website claims the pill “reduces the onset of Cancer by 72% in 3/5 of one in ten people.” Ten out of eleven customers HAVE claimed to HAVE seen dramatic improvements in their perceived likelihood of NOT getting Cancer. And as well as this simple to use tablet, Col. Mangleford also sells a range of other helpful products such as the Post Morning Pill which should be taken if one forgets to take the original pill; The Jetset Pill for when one is travelling between time zones; the My First Pill, for children; and the Weaner which is specially designed for those wishing to withdraw from the pill due to a change in waking style.

“I just hope I can do some good” said Sir Mangleford with a tear in his eye. God bless that man! You could say he’s a pill-ar of the community… …or a pillock.

Many-Minded Dylan

New Bob Dylan Collection explores the many sides to this enigmatic enigma.



Sad Dylan



Including such hits as

Blood In My Eyes
Not Dark Yet
The Snow Was Outrageous
Half Empty # 104
Gotta Cold Comin’ On
Expensive Long Distance Telephone Blues
How Dare You
and The Stone In My Shoe Blues

Many-Minded Dylan

Happy Dylan



Including such hits as

Something There Is About You
Brownsville Girl
115th Dream
Odds and Ends
Paid not Played
That Tickled Me
Everyday's A Holiday With God
and I Swear I Didn’t Impregnate Your Daughter Mrs Henry

Many-Minded Dylan

Angry Dylan

Including such hits as

Clean Cut Kid

Idiot Wind

Positively 4^th Street

Hurricane

Slow Train

Who Killed Heath Ledger?

Luckily For You I Left My Gun Somewhere In Oklahoma

Drunk And Disgusted

Totally Livid

Just Plain Sick Of It

and Literally Throwing Up.

Get the Shoreditch look!

Our fashion correspondent Lionel Hope arses about in search of the latest trends

Shoreditch, Hoxton, Dalston! Calling all tribes! A new craze is sweeping through East London’s hipster elite and it’s called Prego-chic. I met up with Riotous Dave in the ubertrendy Hoxton Grill, Kitchen, Lounge, Bar and Hall to find out more. Dalston, Hoxton, Broadway Market! Dave or Rio as he is known to his consort, spends his entire waking life monitoring and influencing East London fashion trends. He is most famous for introducing the “lenseless” spectacles look. Today he is sporting a pair of Harem Pants; some high heel shoes; a motorcycle helmet with the visor down and a pair of inflatable arm bands with a Mickey Mouse pattern. However what is most important to me is that tucked under his Hawaiian shirt is a large sofa cushion. “The prego look is soooooooooooo in.” He exclaims, after opening his visor to sip some crantini. “People say it was MIA [Last year London born singer MIA performed her global hit Paper Planes at the American Grammy Awards while heavily pregnant] but really it’s about fucking with gender and politics, it’s mostly men that get it not chicks.” He announces before screaming “Fuck Thomas Beatie!”

Shoreditch, Spitalfields, Bethnal Green! Later that day I bumped into Cole (24, video artist) at the ubertrendy Dalston Superstore. He is wearing blue Kwikfit overalls with the famous logo modified to read ‘kwikfuck’, he also more importantly has a cushion tucked down his front. “It just like happened one day. I’d like seen other people doing it and when I was like getting ready to go out, I like stuck a pillow under my vest, it just like felt right. It happened organically.” But the rabbit hole goes much deeper than this as Rio explained to me. “Some people have gotten really into it and bought pregnant suits and that, you know empathy belly things off the internet, it looks fierce!” Brick Lane, London Fields, Haggerston? I met up with Jamie Insatiable (performance artist, poet, playwright, journalist and workshop facilitator) who has recently undergone extensive plastic surgery to give himself a baby sized bulge. “The scars haven’t really healed yet” he warns me as he lifts his shirt… And he isn’t kidding; the severely red marked protruding gut looks something like a cartoon potbelly stove. “That’s quite dedicated.” I remark. “Yeah,” he says, “well it won’t be forever. I used to have breasts.” Hackney Wick, Columbia Road, Etcetera. I spoke to Dr Newton Levi (writer, thinker, public speaker, philosopher, social commentator, intellectual and lecturer at Goldsmiths College) about the phenomenon. “Strict Neo-Postfreudian’s will tell you it is what’s known as womb envy.” He explained. “As society has steadily undermined patriarchy and phallogocentrism by among other things advancements in science and the changes late capitalism has brought to the jobs market, male insecurities have started to manifest themselves in temporary or permanent body modification…It’s a phenomenon that is likely to become more widespread and extreme in the future…Things are probably going to get increasingly scary and weird!”

I decide to try and get hold of one of these prego suits for myself but all I find on ebay is hundreds of Pregnant Nun costumes …so I get one of those instead. A few days later it arrives and I make my way down to trendy east end nightclub Malignancy. It feels strange at first and the taxi driver repeatedly rolls his eyes at me in the mirror. But once I’m safely in East London I find many other bright young thing shaking their prosthetic tummies to the beat. And many strangers approach me eager to learn of this exciting and fabulous new fashion trend. It feels fun and freeing and exciting and most of all it feels empowering!

It’s Penge o’clock

Is Penge the new hub of Western Civilisation? Giles Lego took the trusty 176 south to see what all the hullabaloo is about.

London: a veritable salmagundi of perpetually transmogrify villages, an ever changing, evolving, transforming, transgressing arena of magic. As we have seen in recent years Islington has become the new Kensington; Shoreditch: the new Soho and now (even though it makes absolutely no sense in London) there is even a Noho! New Cross is of course the new Camden to Brockley’s Hampstead. And Catford may well prove to be the new Belgravia. But an even more exciting and upandcoming area is Penge: the little known leafy enclave of South London that’s fast becoming the desired destination for the Capital’s hip young elite. The SE20 somethings, as they are being referred to, are moneyed up, upwardly mobile, opulent, ambitious, affluent, affable and amiable, they are well-off and they have money! You can see them in Henry Holland t-shirts taking leisurely lunches at Chef’s Delight, and dining out in vintage dresses at the ubertrendy China Lilly or unwinding in the ubertrendy Pawleyne Arms. In fact the Penge Pound, as it is being referred to, is rapidly changing the face of this hitherto neglected district. Gone are the days of the sour faced taverns and dour chicken shops; now it’s all upmarket boutiques and Gastro-itis. The old Penge Working Men’s Club is now a small independent art gallery, the old youth centre is now a small independent art gallery and the old industrial estate has been reclaimed as a small independent art gallery that doubles up as a Gay Scat fetish club.

I met up with some of the new hip locals to see what exactly it is that makes Penge so amazing. Annanana Karickiszi is heiress to a Russian oil fortune and studies Media and Godknowswhat at Lewisham College, she is a fan of Sartre and hopes to one day become a poet or fashion editor. She is wealthy! “I love the area.” She says while gazing out the window of her £700 a month bedsit. “There is always somewhere new to go, something new to do. It is cool but not pretentious. There is a community. People are friendly. I feel safe” Calvin works in New Media, he emigrated from America two years ago. He is financially sound! “There is a lot of history here and it’s quirky, very British.” He owns a small studio above an Icelands. “It’s a friendly area. People say hello. I feel safe.” James works in New Media and rents a flat in a converted pub. He is solvent! “It’s fun and exciting. There’s lot’s of night life and culture. There are supermarkets but also small independent stores. I love it. People talk to each other. I feel safe” I also caught up with Gregg, a Railway Station Toilet Professional who has lived in Penge all his life. “Things are definitely changing.” He tells me. “It’s all gastro this and Starbucks that. Just give me a good old cuppa tea” he quips. The old Petrol Station opposite Gregg’s house is now the smoking area for a late night gay club called Fatigué, I ask him what he makes of the many provocatively dressed gentlemen that now reside in the area. “Well, at least they are driving out the nignogs” he quips.

Stay On Target!

Male dating guru Terry Eggcress - author of bestsellers Circulate and Mental Date Rape - gives us a few excerpts from his new dating guide Targets!




THE MAKING OF A MAN

An expensive haircut is always preferable. If you are bald or even slightly receding SHAVE IT OFF. If you are ginger or grey DYE IT. No facial hair, no nose hair, no chest hair, no pubic hair. Join a gym. Get a lean but muscular physic; it’s called “jacked”. Do not wear glasses unless you can afford designers and only wear them when in the office or reading in a café or other relaxed setting. Do not wear a hat. Do not wear anything colourful except perhaps a tie or a pair of socks and then only in a café or other relaxed setting. Do not wear sandals unless abroad and in a rural setting. Do not take off your tie before 6pm. Only wear a t-shirt and/or shorts when engaged in a sporting activity or on the beach. If you do not own the latest I-phone then do not let your target or her associates see your phone. Do not be seen cooking or cleaning. Use a tanning salon once a week but deny you use a tanning salon. When face to face with your target always consult your diary before making plans even if you know you are free. Whatever your job happens to be claim you are a stockbroker, a hedge fund manger, a private GP or a solicitor. Whatever your educational background happens to be claim to have been educated at Oxbridge, Durham or UCL only. Always claim to live alone. Claim you have visited New York, Paris, Rome and the Far East. Claim you know how to ski and claim you go regularly (to Switzerland and/or the U.S. only). Do not yawn in public. Obviously do not break wind or eruct either. Never mention ablutions in front of your target or associates. If you must say something say “excuse me for a moment”. If you do not know where the toilet is ask a member of staff in private. If you are at someone’s house try to locate the bathroom on arrival or wait for someone else to ask about it, they will eventually. Shower at least four times a day. Wear an expensive aftershave and a weak or non-scented anti-percipient. Use moisturiser. Get a manicure every eight days. Always carry chewing gum. Do not smoke in public. Do not ever be seen on public transport or in the supermarket. If your target and her associates take the train then take the bus. Hide all purchases in a suitcase. Cancel any date with your target if you feel even slightly ill. Claim something came up. IE your mother is ill or you are working on a big merger or case...

…Learn the Clarinet, Saxophone or Piano. Do not learn the guitar. Do not play in a band or orchestra. Learn French or Italian but not Russian or German. Only play Tennis or Squash against opponents you know you will beat. Get a trainer! Don’t play football or any other team sport.

…Dominate space. Sit with your legs and arms wide apart. Dominate co-workers and associates. Pat them on the back; punch them in the arm; tell them off. Intimidate staff at chain stores/cafes (they have no authority to stop you). Always pretend you are having a good time but always look serious. Quote English poetry from before 1900 and French literature from before 1927.



WHEN ON A NIGHT OUT

… Do not smile. Do not laugh at other people’s jokes. Dominate the conversation at all times. Let your target and any female associates speak but block out all male voices. Make sure you have a strong opinion on almost any topic. If the conversation veers onto a topic you no nothing about then steer it back immediately. Things you should never say 7: “I don’t know”. (It’s important to keep up with as many topics as possible. Read at least two newspapers everyday but only ever be seen carrying one: either the FT or The Daily Telegraph). If your target is decisive then go to the venue that they decide. Do not let anyone else get their way. If your target is undecided about where to go then you must decide. Do not let anyone else do so. At a restaurant tell everyone what to order except your target. At a bar buy everyone a drink based on what your target wants to drink. IE if your target wants a cocktail buy everyone a cocktail. Pay for everything always. Do not get drunk but try to get everyone else drunk. Leave with the target…

WHEN ON A DATE

…Restaurant dates are the only safe bet. Decide which restaurant you are going to (preferably expensive, trendy and new) but order what she orders. Dictate the topic of conversation but let her do the talking. Do not bring up the topics of television, music, drugs, politics, poverty or religion: these areas are mine fields. When talking about your family keep it vague but mention that your father beat you. Say your mother is/was beautiful. Say you are/were close to her. If you are pushed to divulge your religion and your target is atheist then say you are atheist. If your target is anything else say you were born Christian (but not Catholic) and that you are now Agnostic. Agree with your target no more than 50% of the time. If across the room you see someone you know, try to lure them into a friendly greeting by giving them a big smile and a wave. Then when they approach dismiss them with a polite but obviously curt response. Make sure your target only sees the latter part of this exchange. Do not eat anything messy in front of your target. Also do not eat eggs, garlic, beans or any meal that does not contain meat. Share the dessert. Tip generously but complain afterwards that the service was poor…

…If you have a nice apartment (SEE chapter 4) then take your target back. Do not accept no for an answer. If you don’t have a nice apartment then go back to hers. Do not accept no for an answer. Pay for the taxi…

THE COURTING PROCESS

…Make sure you meet all the target's family and friends, this will put pressure on her to stay with you. Meanwhile keep an eye out for potential new targets...

…If you get a target pregnant have IT destroyed…

…Slowly begin undermining your target in private. Make her feel insecure about her looks, weight and intelligence. Then begin to undermine her in public. Eventually she will become miserable and pathetic; and you will have no emotional qualms about leaving her. When you have found a new target introduce her to your old target and talk up how beautiful and successful your old target is. Then privately make fun of her in front of your new target. Dump your old target and move on…

PLACES TO SEE AND BE SEEN

Wealthy get-about Horris Melloray reports back from the hottest spots in town

Swish cocktail bars run by Professors of mixology are over! It’s all about Creditcrunch chic these days! The Three Lions on Camden Road, formally Father Ted, has been ironically fitted out in the style of a decaying working men's tavern with ironic staff and prices to match. The front opens up like Bar Soho in Old Compton Street and gives the venue a continental feel. The cliental are an un-lively lot who put on ironic cockney accents and ironically work blue collar jobs and live on council estates. No need to book.

IF YOU LIKED THIS WHY NOT TRY: The Little Crown, Deptford. Anywhere in Dagenham

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