For all us unemployed lowlife scum it’s a moot point that early rising is bad for your health. However even we were SHOCKED to find out the true extent of the DANGER. In a recent experiment at Penge University LEADING scientists have found DEVASTATING results that PROVE beyond a shadow of a doubt that “determinist waking” is carcinogenic to the MAX! “Determinist Waking” (involuntary early morning rousing to you laymen) has long been proven to induce stress, psychosis and high cholesterol but until now has only been linked to Cancer in theory. Dr Gavin Mangleford - who lead the research programme - conducted a “case-control study” on seven and a half seven and a half year old girls over a course of seven and half to twenty seven and half years and found that 78% of 2.5 of those who rose four times earlier than the average late riser were more than A THOUSAND TIMES likelier to presume that they would get breast cancer in later life. The survey also found that DW was the MAJOR cause of MANY other cancers including a number of skin cancers and osteosarcoma (a type of bone cancer if you must know). “The evidence is indisputable” Said Professor Mangleford. “Scientists have long suspected it but no one wanted to investigate because big pharm knows that no drug can help this.”
Luckily enough Mangleford D.D. himself has developed an alternative medicine that fully prevents this DEVASTATINGLY DAMMING disorder. Sold on his website in conjunction with super science mystic heroes BioCare, The Wake Up Pill is a must for all those who choose the materialist lifestyle of having a job. “Of course nothing beats waking up naturally” he says “but I realise that this simply isn’t possible in our fast pace, high pressure, wacaday world.” Made from HIGHLY POTENT magic crystals only found in stock reel footage of axed ITV 2 Shows The Wake Up Pill is simple, natural and votes Green. As his website claims the pill “reduces the onset of Cancer by 72% in 3/5 of one in ten people.” Ten out of eleven customers HAVE claimed to HAVE seen dramatic improvements in their perceived likelihood of NOT getting Cancer. And as well as this simple to use tablet, Col. Mangleford also sells a range of other helpful products such as the Post Morning Pill which should be taken if one forgets to take the original pill; The Jetset Pill for when one is travelling between time zones; the My First Pill, for children; and the Weaner which is specially designed for those wishing to withdraw from the pill due to a change in waking style.
“I just hope I can do some good” said Sir Mangleford with a tear in his eye. God bless that man! You could say he’s a pill-ar of the community… …or a pillock.
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